Seven years ago today my life totally changed. Someone came into my
life that I believed would be in it forever. It wasn't love at first sight, or even first kiss, but it grew into something more than I could have ever expected. I never had so much in common with someone, someone who challenged me, learning something new every day about each other, so much fun together, trying new things and liking them, and so much passion and intensity. Yet all the while he told me I was his forever, it just wasn't meant to be. And I've been left to wonder if that was a lie the entire time.
The emotional abuse at the hands of the person I loved and accepted left
me broken and shattered over the years; being cheated on, lied to,
manipulated, and worse was something I mistook for a deep love, thinking
this was what I deserved. This is not to say I did not make poor decisions and mistakes in our relationship, because I did, but looking at it after all these years, I would never have allowed a friend to go through what I did at the hands of someone I believed was my soulmate. There were a lot of times that things were fabulously blissful. Truly remarkable,
really. When someone tells you that you make them into the man they
want to be, and a better version of themselves, because their life is
one f*cked up mess after another, you believe and find a little slice of
hope and promise aside from all the other bull that would pop up. Drama would "magically" create itself and when a substance takes over someone's life, they need to heal themselves before you can even try to help. 'But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue.' The roller coaster can't always be going up and each time he cheated (so many times I lost count), that
feeling of being replaced built, that it was my fault, that something was wrong with me, and I began to question everything about myself. So much that my Mom said I wasn't the same happy little girl I once was before I met him.
One thing that never faltered was my Mom and the growing resentment
she felt toward this person over the years (who she initially supported and thought could make me happy, but she saw the signs way before I did and she couldn't forgive him) for hurting her only daughter and she couldn't fix the situation or my broken-heart. I couldn't see it at the time; I
had blinders on. I wanted to believe the best in him, in every person really, a quality I have to a
fault. 'Who wouldn't stand inside your love.' I still question it at times and I think that's part of what
makes losing my Mom so hard. Was it a complete waste of my late 20's
into 30's? Could she have seen me walk down the aisle or held a
grandchild had I not been so selfish with my feelings of wanting love?
She was so torn up about this at times she had said, if you stay with
this person, she would never accept him and it was ruining her and I's
relationship. And I HATED doing that to her but for some reason, I still
felt drawn to him and continued a relationship, even in secret for periods of time. I hit a point where she didn't want to comfort me anymore when I was upset because it was nearly driving her insane, and that wasn't like her at all.
Even after my Mom's tragic passing
in December 2015 and the horrendous things that he said (it is literally sickening) in the hours after her death, I
trusted him yet again, because 'I was his best friend, he was in love with me, and always would love me,' until I made a move to detach forever last August
2016 because I couldn't take the lies anymore. 'She is gone, but she used to be mine.' The amount of guilt I feel because I believed all the nonsense
for so long and hurt my Mom in the process, may never go away. And I am
so sorry Mom, for putting you through that. For not seeing what you
and my whole family and most of my friends saw. For not being able to apologize in person because you cared more than anyone else and you just wanted what was best for me.
I am trying to be a smarter, stronger, and even more positive person every day and also work through the emotional
turmoil that created a wall I should never have. You were right, Mom,
you usually were. But I have fully loved and lost, and I know that you
live every day in hopes that I find my true forever to create the life
you always dreamed I would have, one day. And whether that is alone or
with someone, we know it is God's plan, like losing you far too soon,
and we have to trust in it. That's what Faith is, trusting in what you
cannot see.
To the person who built me up with the deepest love I have ever felt, I
am grateful. To the person who pushed me into the darkest depths with
your words and actions, I am grateful. For I am a better version of
myself; I have been so low and still survived when it seemed like the impossible. I no longer have to live
with the damage you created and trash you have brought into your life. She's not me, and she never will be. I
forgive you for the pain you caused and hope you find the peace you're
searching for because I could not save you from the destructive path you continued to choose. 'Goodbye my hopeless dream.' I'm sorry for hurting you in any way. Your feelings should not be diminished and are valid as well. I got a fresh start because I let go of you and the false sense of forever you kept trying to sell me, and have so many precious moments to look forward to.
I have kept silent for so long, pushed these feelings deeper and deeper, tried to tuck them away, but even through the tears and emotions of writing this, it is a release I have needed for a long time. It needed to be said. Without my Mom, I wouldn't have had the strength to
carry on throughout the heartbreak, but I live every day for her and the incredible person she was and shared with the world. Thank you Mom, for guiding me on the right path; I love you and hope you can forgive me for the mistakes I made, and know that I would take it all back, to have one more day with you. If I could be just half the woman, you were, I'd be the luckiest girl. O Beechum Te, Mommy <3
